No, that’s not the answer to a Jeopardy question, Alex.
The Beef of God is a Musician and Natural Philosopher.
The term natural philosopher is not used much anymore, but it basically amounts to being half way between an artist and a scientist, and having as one’s main goal to see the hand of God working in all natural phenomena. The greatest natural philosopher of all time is without a doubt Sir Isaac Newton, and “natural philosopher” is, in fact, what he called himself. Though primarily remembered today as the co-inventor of calculus and the discoverer of the basic laws of physics – Newton is the founder of modern mathematics and physical science – his primary viewpoint from which he made these discoveries was the notion that God’s logic must be supreme and perfect. So, the libtard notion that religion is hostile to science is quite ironic – not to mention wrong – since one of the greatest “scientists” of all time was a supremely devout Christian and used his religious stance and understanding as a springboard to make his greatest discoveries. The problem has been – and always will be – that dim-witted and ignorant “Christians” are hostile to science, because much of science disagrees with proves wrong their utterly stupid and two-dimensional interpretation of Biblical texts.
The more I learn about Newton, the more like him I discover that I am… except for the fact that I can’t do high math. Fortunately, I can do arithmetic and geometry, which is all I need to compose music. Basically, my mind works in visual and aural terms: I can see and manipulate objects in my mind, and I can hear and manipulate sounds in my head, but numbers don’t look or sound like anything to me, so I can’t process them. Seriously, I score below the fiftieth percentile in numerical ability: The average Joe six-pack can do math better than I can. However, I place in the top one percent in all of the abstract reasoning categories, so The Beef of God is a bit of an Idiot Savant as well (The new PC term is “Autistic Savant” but The Beef of God hates leftard intellectual fascism – which is what PC codes are – and so I will continue to use the un-PC term). The Beef of God also has shitty verbal skills and can’t spell his way out of a wet paper sack. Thank God for spelling checkers, but you’ll no doubt note that my grammar sucks ass. I’m also a hunt-and-peck typist, which makes composing posts very laborious (Hey, you try typing with colven hooves!).
Newton was also an alchemist. We know today that alchemy was a dead end and tend to view alchemy with sneering derision, but in his time, it seemed to hold promise. So, don’t dis my main man Isaac for being an alchemist: It was simply a trend of that early time in scientific inquiry.
Additionally, Newton was an interpreter of Biblical prophesy, and without doubt the best one of his time. During Newton’s life – as in every preceding and following era – many ignorant Chicken Little types arose saying, “The sky is falling! The end is near!” Newton, being a supremely gifted logical genius, knew these idiots were full of horse-shit (The Beef of God does not use the term “bullshit”!). In response to this constant idiocy, Sir Isaac came up with his famous prognostication that the world could not possibly “end” – a silly notion, as the end of this current chaos will only be the beginning of something far better – before 2060. It is important to note that Newton was not setting a date, because he was a voracious reader of the Bible, and knew full well that not even the Christened Son of The Living God would know the date and time, but only Father God Himself. What he was saying was, basically and in the current vernacular, “These fuck-tards are completely full of shit, and I have proven that logically. The Millennial Kingdom cannot possibly arrive before 2060. It could happen long after that date, but certainly not before.”
The Beef of God has read almost every English translation of the Bible. The only one I’m aware of that I haven’t read is The Tyndale New Testament, and most of that ended up in the King James anyway, which I have read cover to cover several times. The Beef of God has also read all of the Apocrypha available in English, The Book of Mormon, The Bhagavadgita, and really weird stuff like the complete works of Carlos Castaneda: I’ve been on a spiritual quest all of my life.
Though baptized and confirmed a Missouri Synod Lutheran, The Beef of God would certainly be considered a heretic by any main-stream Christian Denomination.
The Beef of God believes:
1] The Bible contains the essential truth about the nature of God, His Christened Son, and the future course of human events, but there is also tons of allegory and even pure horse-shit in there to muck through.
If you remember the X-Files credo (The Beef of God is a sci-fi geek), “The Truth is Out There,” then the inverse of this would be my view of Biblical texts: The Truth is In There, but there is also a lot of unmitigated crap. The “Evangelical” view that every word in the Bible is the “Inspired Word of God” ~bovine eye-roll~ is simply infantile fantasy. Men have always been men, and they have always had their own individual agendas – not all of them “holy” by any stretch – and to contend that any document written by thousands of men over thousands of years is inerrant is, simply, stupid. However, this position does allow Evangelicals to weasel out of any debate on the subject – or even give the subject any deep and penetrating thought – and given the obviously low levels of intelligence The Beef of God has encountered among evangelical sects, this is probably the only strategy they could possibly employ successfully.
God has a Beef with Evangelicals.
2] Mary was no virgin: Joseph sired The Christened Son of The Living God in the natural (and fun!) way.
God promised David that one of his descendants would sit on the throne forever. All of that “Holy Spirit impregnates Mary” stuff is a lie, because that would mean God broke His promise to David: Joseph was of the house of David; Mary was not. If you read the oldest Gospel, that of Mark, there’s none of that “Virgin Mary” garbage in it: It starts out with the ministry of John The Baptist. The oldest text of it extant is also in a common form of Greek, while the other three are in a very polished form of high Greek, meaning that the later ones underwent more levels of transcription by more highly educated scribes. The Beef of God is 100% convinced that these later stages of translation are where the Virgin Mary Myth was created: The Gospels of Matthew, Luke, and John originally started out – after the greetings and salutations – with the ministry of John the Baptist, just like Mark does. Additionally, Paul never mentions anything about “The Virgin Mary” or even says that Mary should be of any particular importance: The Christened Son of The Living God is the sole center of Christian belief, and before John the Baptist Christened Him, nothing in His life matters one iota. “Mary Worship” is actually errant and inimical to the true understanding of what it means to be a Christian. The Beef of God calls himself “A Follower of The Way” – what the earliest followers of The Christened Son of The Living God called themselves – to separate his bovine majesty from the Christian main-stream for this very reason.
God has a Beef with Catholics and the Protestant spin-offs.
3] The invitation of The Christened Son of The Living God to join Him is, “The Mother Of All ‘Come-As-You-Are’ Parties.”
Though God has a Beef with the main-stream denominations, nobody is perfect, so you might as well just go ahead and love ‘em anyway. The important thing is to have a saving faith, and then the rest of it will all pan out (That would be “The Pan-Millennialist View” ~bull snort~).
God Has a Beef with The Beef of God.
Yeah yeah: To an infinitude, I’m sure.
HT: Ash for the idea.