The First Thing We Do…

~The Beef of God strolls into His pasture and lows~

God has a Beef with Lawyers.

begin rant/


Above is The Beef of God’s favorite coffee mug. I have a matching t-shirt too (two, actually) and on any day I wear it, at least a half-dozen people come up to me and say something like, “That’s GREAT! Where can I get one?!” I’ve never had even one say anything along the lines of, “That’s idiotic,” and I’ve had those t-shirts for almost ten years.

You wouldn’t believe the stories of woe at the hands of lawyers that I hear – well, perhaps you would. My favorite head-shakers are from divorced men with children who have been financially gutted by their ex-wives, who, 1) Cheated on them, 2) Divorced them, 3) Took custody of their children, and then, 4) Basically had the American “legal” system steal almost all of their assets. There probably isn’t any greater injustice than the way men are treated in divorce situations in this country, unless you take a look at our insane drug laws, of course.

I learned everything I needed to know about the American legal system when I was twelve years old. I was the sole witness to a hit-and-run incident involving one neighbor in her car and another neighbor’s dog. The neighbor in the car was a notorious old crone who drove a bulbous, black and yellow fifties-era Ford – there was nothing else even remotely like it in my neighborhood – so there was no mistaking who the driver was. The collie was not killed, but her shoulder and leg were broken, and the veterinary bills were quite high. So, there was a lawsuit, and yours truly – then a mere calf – was the witness.

When I was on the witness stand, the defence lawyer hammered and hammered me, and the lawyer-judge allowed him to, even though the plaitiff’s lawyer objected several times. I didn’t cry – I was far to filled with Angus Anger to cry – but it was the first time in my life that I felt real and genuine righteous rage. My ears began to ring, my peripheral vision narrowed, and I really and truly did see red.

The defence lawyer argued that since my view of the incident was with the automobile quartering away, and the impact would have been on the opposite side of the car, I couldn’t possibly have seen the dog get hit. Believe it, or not, the lawyer-judge actually bought this line of complete and utter horse-shit.

As a proud Calf Scout ought to do, I did my civic duty, told the truth, and yet justice was not done. To add insult to injury, I was abused in the process.

This. is. fact. Unlike probably 50% of the shit-decisions that come out of our courts today.

In the perfect clarity of my twelve year old mind, I said to myself, “These are bad men.” Bad men to me back then – this was 1970 – were the kind of sum-sucking maggots out of hell that John Wayne would have shot on sight, but not before telling them that they were scum-sucking maggots out of hell.

That lawyer and lawyer-judge were both very fortunate that my father – a fairly high ranking military officer by that time – was there that day, because my mother had 110% of her Irish up, and she was prepared to do them both grievious bodily harm. All five feet and one inch of her.

I hated every lawyer I met for decades afterward – my mom still hates ’em – and I told them so. “You’re a lawyer? Well then, you’re shit as a human being.” (I said that to a guy who butted in line ahead of me at an airline ticket counter one day, because – as he explained – he was a lawyer, and too important and in a hurry to wait in line like the rest of us second class citizens).

Fortunately, I have met some lawyers who are genuinely decent people over the recent years, so my views have moderated somewhat – but not too much – and today, incredibly, my closest friend is a lawyer. However, she’s not among what I call the “courtroom curs” as she makes her living basically protecting people from the predations of that type of filth.

Then, the internet has helped too: I think people like Glenn Reynolds and the Power Line guys are pretty cool lawyers (Wouldn’t “Shyster Line” be a GREAT name for an anti-lawyer blog!), but they have their own ignorant streaks and blind spots – sometimes I think law school must make Marine Book Camp look like a Cub Scout meeting in the indoctrination department – but then, don’t we all have our dysfunctional aspects.

So, I don’t hate all lawyers – just most of them – and I don’t think we should kill them all – we may not even have to kill (m)any of them ~bull-snort~ – but it may be time for us to stockpile a few thousand barrels of tar, a few metric tons of feathers, and a couple million rails to run a most them out of town on.

The US has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world – that’s right, in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, a higher percentage of people are imprisoned than in any other country in the world – and half of all prisoners are imprisoned for non-violent offenses. Read this Wikipedia article from top to bottom and tell me we don’t have a problem with runaway lawyers and idiotic laws in this country.

People have detested lawyers since long before Shakespeare’s time, and for good reason: Law is the second oldest profession behind prostitution. At least with a good whore you get an orgasm out of the deal, but lawyers don’t even bring K-Y, much less do you the courtesy of a reach-around.

For us Westerners, the problem with lawyers goes back to the beginning of our Judeo-Christian culture. If you want to make Old Testament reading a bit more enlightening on this matter, every time you encounter the word “scribe” substitute “lawyer” for it.

SCRIBE noun 2 (also Scribe) Judaism; an ancient Jewish record-keeper, or later, a professional theologian and jurist. Mac Dictionary

See why this will help? Scribes are the exact antecedents of today’s lawyers and judges.

Let me give you my favorite example:

Jeremiah 8:8 “How can you say, “We are wise, and the law of the Lord is with us”? But, behold, the false pen of the LAWYERS has made it into a lie.” RSV

If you really want to get the full impact, however, you should substitute the word “shyster” for “scribe.” This may be the only time you ever read the Old Testament and laugh out loud. I do, anyway.

SHY-STER n. Slang An unethical or unscrupulous lawyer or politician. [Perh. Scheuster, an unscrupulous 19th-cent. lawyer.] American Heritage Dictionary

BTW: There is nothing particularly anti-Semitic about the term shyster. I’ve been calling amoral, self-centered lawyers shysters since I first learned the word in 1970. Nobody ever accused me of being anti-Semitic for deploying the term until after the Will Smith movie Enemy of the State came out. Besides, a former Jewish GF of mine would probably sock anyone who called me an anti-Semite. So, anyone who says the term shyster is anti-Semitic is full of horse-shit and has watched the movie Enemy of the State one too many times (Once would be too many times).

Here’s the further revised version:

Jeremiah 8:8 “How can you say, “We are wise, and the law of the Lord is with us”? But, behold, the false pen of the SHYSTERS has made it into a lie.” RSV

In other words, these lying shit-sacks have been around since the dawn of recorded history, and they fuck up everything they touch.

If you really understand what Jeremiah said, it is obvious that the position of many Jewish sects and Christian denominations – that The Torah/Bible is the inerrant Word of God – is ridiculous. Fact is, both of these documents are positively brimming with lies introduced by scribes/lawyers/shysters. To believe that every word in the Bible is true not only requires the willful suspension of disbelief, it also requires total ignorance of basic, fundamental, fallen human nature. Reading the Bible is like the reverse of the X-Files credo, “The Truth is Out There.” In this case, “The Truth is IN There,” there’s just a lot of shysteristic horse-shit to muck through.

Previously, Jeremiah said:

Jeremiah 7:21-23 “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: “Add your burnt offerings to your sacrifices and eat the flesh. [It’s hard to get the full impact of this insult for us moderns, but it would be something like having a bag-lady walk into a Catholic Church and shout, “God tells you Priests to shove those Communion Wafers up your asses and then give yourselves an enema with the Communion Wine!” – Beef] For in the day that I brought them out of the land of Egypt, I did not speak to your fathers or command them concerning burnt offerings and sacrifices. But this command I gave them, ‘Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people; and walk in the way that I commanded you, that it may be well with you.’…” RSV

The commands that God gave the Israelites are the ones we all know (Or, ought to know):

Exodus 20:2 “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 3 “You shall have no other gods before me. 4 “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments. 7 “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. 8 “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. 11 For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. 12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. 13 “You shall not murder. 14 “You shall not commit adultery. 15 “You shall not steal. 16 “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. 17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” NIV

This is all the Israelites needed, but the priests (Who developed thoroughly shysterized minds) and scribes/lawyers/shysters built up this huge legalistic system with sacrifices and offerings and just tons of other irrelevant horse-shit. This is just the nature of the beast: Make an arcane system out of something simple. That’s what lawyers do.

If you analyze the commands of God, they are like a top-down – or God’s-eye – view of the metaphorical Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The final fruit of all sin is godlessness, and the root of all sin is covetousness: Desiring something that God gave to another. God gives what He gives to whom He will, and it’s none of your damned business what He gives, or to whom He gives it. His motivations are beyond questioning or understanding, so fuck the fuck off. M-kay? Covetousness/envy/jealousy leads to every other sin on the list.

When The Lamb of God appeared, His mission was to fulfill every “jot and tittle” of this hyper-legalistic insanity – which He did – and then he was executed: Not by the Jews, not by the Romans, BUT BY THE ERRANT LAW OF MAN – A ridiculous and unjust system created by scribes/lawyers/shysters out of whole cloth.

The Lamb of God reduced the above commands of God to one simple rule, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you love your neighbor as you love yourself, you won’t kill him, you won’t beat him up, you won’t seduce his wife, you won’t fuck his daughter, you won’t steal from him, you won’t let your dog shit in his yard, and you won’t envy him for anything God gave him that you didn’t get.

Shysters, however, are the human embodiment of covetousness. They first of all desire money, and the love of money is the root of all evil, of course (Not money itself – one can do a lot of good with money – but the LOVE of money: Coveting money). And, there is nobody’s money a shyster covets more than YOURS. Then, shysters are envious of anyone’s and everyone’s God-given freedoms and God-given possessions, so they concoct “laws” – laws that are nothing more than rules – to infringe upon these God-given freedoms, and make money when there is an infraction. People who violate these unjust and ungodly rules have their God-given freedoms and/or their God-given property taken away from them. All the while, the shysters are making money hand over fist.

Let’s get this straight: Only God can make law, and He’s made all of it that there’s ever going to be, and I listed EVERY LAST BIT OF IT above. The idea that man can make law is the ultimate shysteristic conceit, and it is an affront to God. We don’t live under “The Rule of Law,” we suffer under “The Yoke of Rules.” When the Lamb of God said, “My yoke is easy, My burden is light,” this is what he was talking about. Shysters exist almost solely to whip us when we break the rules, and steal our property for their profit. Obviously, it has been this way from the beginning of recorded history.

Of course, the shysterized mind didn’t vanish after The Lamb of God either. The pure early Followers of The Way were invaded by this abomination as well, and they basically rebuilt the burdensome Israelite legalist monstrosity – yet another Tower of Babel – within the Catholic Church and it’s Protestant spin-offs; sans the animal sacrifices, but still with just tons of legalistic and ritualistic horse-shit.

~The Beef of God snorts, paws the ground, and charges~

If I could change anything I wanted about America, these would be the first two items on my list:

1] Nobody with a law degree – whether they have ever passed a Bar Exam or not – would be eligible to run for office in any legislative body.

Lawyers making law is an obvious conflict of interest, and this is what has lead our country into ruin. Lawyers make law to benefit lawyers, not the real citizens of the country.

That’s why health care is so expensive: The law lets ambulance-chasing shysters like John Edwards become mega-multi-millionaires by suing medical doctors, so malpractice insurance is prohibitively expensive. You want affordable health care? Reform the tort laws to prevent these shysteristic abuses. The tort laws will NEVER be reformed until we kick the shyster-politicians out of Congress, because those tort laws benefit their shyster butt-buddies in private practice.

Income tax is the institutionalization of shysteristic covetousness. There is one entity – and one entity only – who has any right to a percentage of what God blesses a man with, and that entity is God Himself. He asks that you give a 10% tithe – basically, to the charity of your choice – and He doesn’t throw you into prison if you don’t. He just won’t bless you as much: Count on it. Since shysters love nothing more than other people’s money, they invented and rationalized this immoral tax scheme.

The only thing any government can legitimately tax are transactions. The infrastructure needs to be maintained, the military needs to be funded, &c. Income tax is immoral. This is a fact.

The same holds true for our insane prohibition-era-flashback drug laws: There will NEVER be any sense applied to them so long as shyster-politicians are making the laws, because drug laws are the biggest bonanza of all for shysters and shyster-judges, which leads me to…

2] Nobody with a law degree – whether they have ever passed a Bar Exam or not – would be eligible to sit on any bench as a judge.

Lawyers judging law is another obvious conflict of interest, and this is another factor in the ruination of America. No lawyer-judge is ever likely to make a decision that would adversely affect the legal profession, because if he did, then all of his pillow-biting, popsicle-boy shyster pals wouldn’t invite him to their Sound of Music parties anymore.

Want to get rid of activist judges who legislate from the bench and make outrageous decisions? Get the shysters the hell out of the chambers then. That won’t be a panacea, but it will certainly help.

Every courtroom in America has all of the appearances of a racket: Lawyers make the law, lawyers prosecute the law, lawyers defend from the law, and lawyers judge the law. It’s obviously at the very least an illegal monopoly, and it is exactly organized crime much of the time. If the RICO laws were turned back on the American courts, I have no doubt but that about 25% of all lawyers would end up in prison where I believe they belong, which leads us to…

The First Law of Angodynamics:

The liberties enjoyed by any society are inversely proportional to the percentage of lawyers and police in the population.

Lawyers don’t create anything, lawyers don’t produce anything, and whatever benefit lawyers provide comes at the expense of us all, and at the expense of the economy. Comparing them to leaches is an exactly precise and perfect analogy: They suck the life blood out of us and our economy. Lawyers are worse than a zero sum game, they are an infinite suck game. They are a necessary evil, but they are an evil nonetheless, so their numbers should be kept to an absolute minimum, and their influence must be positively marginalized. That’s never going to happen as long as we allow them to be legislators and judges.

I am sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired of the Shysterization of America.

~The Beef of God lays down under His tree, and resumes chewing his cud~

/end rant

Q: “What do you call a lawyer with a 75 IQ?”

A: “Your Honor.”

The Beef of God knows a lawyer wrote that joke, because the most obvious answer is, “Smart.”

12 Responses to “The First Thing We Do…”

  1. Paco Says:

    You’re trapped in a cage with a gorilla, a tiger and a lawyer. You’ve got a gun, but it only has two bullets in it. What do you do?

    Answer: You shoot the lawyer – twice.

  2. missredi Says:

    “The defence lawyer argued that since my view of the incident was with the automobile quartering away, and the impact would have been on the opposite side of the car, I couldn’t possibly have seen the dog get hit. Believe it, or not, the lawyer-judge actually bought this line of complete and utter horse-shit.”
    my dear sir beef. i agree with you about lawyers, so please do not misunderstand me. however the bit i quoted is a good bit of law. you actually did not see the dog get hit. you saw the car drive by and then a dog that was down. you are now jumping to conclusions.. right or wrong, it is not up to you to say. there are many instances where the law cannot do anything unless the witness has actually witnessed the act. ie, i saw that bitch steal my wallet out of my purse in the locker room, so therefore the police were able to search her purse and i got my wallet back. however, even though i was sharing a flat with two people and they slept in the living room in the same bed, and i had cause to go into the living room to get to the kitchen every morning, and even though i saw them in bed together, they were under the covers – i only saw bare shoulders and even if they were doing the nasty together under the covers, i never actually saw them doing the nasty together. hence a friend did not get the annulment from her bigamist husband. (long story – dont bother with the details) i understand at the tender age of 12 you were stung by the injustice, but sonny boy, it has to be that way if people are presumed innocent until found guilty. a witness can surmise anything one’s mind can imagine so unless one actually and factually sees the act, it doesnt matter.
    damn this is way too long for me

  3. Angus Dei Says:

    That’s exactly the way a lawyer would look at it, not someone interested in truth and justice.

  4. Angus Dei Says:

    Perhaps this will help, as the case was quite simple:

    1] I saw the car moving down the street.

    2] I saw the dog running to get across the street.

    3] I heard the squeal of brakes, saw the brake lights, heard the impact, and heard the dog yelp.

    4] I witnessed the car drive away at a high rate of speed, knew exactly who it was, and saw the dog limping back home.

    5] I went to the neighbor’s house immediately, and told her exactly what happened.

    Now, only a lawyer or someone brainwashed by the legalist system would claim that wasn’t enough, which is exactly why lawyers cannot be allowed to be judges.

    Furthermore, a civilian judge with a real sense of right and wrong would have told the defense lawyer to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down after, oh, about the fourth or fifth time I told the same story. Mom recollects that I told it exactly the same way at least ten times.

    Another reason lawyers cannot be allowed to be judges: For some reason an unusually high percentage of lawyers are morally deficient people.

  5. missredi Says:

    i am not disagreeing with you, and yes that is the way a lawyer would look at it because it is the law. common sense should prevail in circumstances such as these, but it is because of the bad lawyers that we have the system we have.
    not all judges who were once lawyers have lost their sense of right and wrong, but unless we have a less complex legal system (and yes, thanks to the lawyers it is the way it is) a civilian without a law degree would not have a chance of understanding the law. then the system would be tied up with appeals because the judge didnt know the law? what qualifications would be necessary to become a judge?

  6. tizona Says:

    Excellent words from all.

    You didn’t need me to say that, you already know. Having been married four times, I’m pretty familar with divorce law. In fact so familar, I could pass the bar but why on earth would I ever pass a bar?

    I too am not of friend of the courts, nor the particpants who have the knowledge to prosecute or defend, argue, plea or rule.

    I’m with Paco…shoot the lawyer twice, then pistol whip him or her.

  7. Ash Says:

    Unfortunately, the legal system in both Australia and the US have been perverted by all those lawyers just out to make a quick buck. There should be far more common sense injected back into our systems.

  8. spot_the_dog Says:

    When my wife and I divorced, we left the lawyers out of it completely. We might have disagreed about a lot of things, but one thing we could agree on was that we needed to stay civil and avoid solicitors if we could at all help it.

    After our Decree Nisi came through, we took a bit of the money we would have given to some shyster and went out to a very nice restaurant in the Hills for our “Last Supper.” The rest we used on the expenses of setting up an extra household. She still jokes that “our divorce lawyer” bought her a Plasma TV.

    I really think that in Family Law cases especially, lawyers have a vested interest in keeping things uncivil and prolonging the proceedings. Stuff ’em.

  9. Ash Says:

    Spot, I know a lot of people who would be so damn jealous of the situation being so civilized. Lawyers need to keep things uncivilised to make money. Greedy bastards.

  10. Angus Dei Says:

    missredi and Ash:

    Exactly, the law is complicated beyond common understanding… because lawyers write it. If non-lawyers wrote the law, at least there would be a chance that it would make sense to the common citizen, which of course it should.

    In Biblical times, the priests and scribes were just about the only literate classes of people, so they had a virtual monopoly on reading, writing, and interpreting the law. With literacy being co common in the West today, lawyers and lawyer-judges have had to resort to other means to maintain their monopoly, so they make sure lawyer-politicians write the law, and they write it in a language the common man cannot understand. We call it “legalese.”

  11. Ash Says:

    Not to mention Angus, if it was written so we could understand it, there would be no need for those major advertising campaigns that convert legalese into English, so we know when we’re breaking the law.

    It’d save much money and effort to just put the law simply.

  12. Angus Dei Says:

    spot the dog:

    Good for you. My ex-wife and I did a DIY divorce ourselves, and there were exactly no hard feelings. We were both miserable, because she was a very shy and reserved music minister, and I was a super-outgoing musician-performer: She was very uncomfortable in my world, and I was bored to tears in hers (Except for her playing, which is why I fell for her in the first place).

    We even dated a little just for company – movies and concerts we knew we’d enjoy together – for over three years after we divorced. Now she’s five years remarried to a guy I really like, and I’m super-happy for her.

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