Top Ten Tips for Erotic Photographers

A probably NSFW public service announcement, below the break.


10] No woman makes it into any self-respecting man’s bed wearing anything, much less platform stiletto heels or thigh-high dominatrix boots.

09] Women posing provocatively on hard surfaces – hardwood and tile floors, kitchen counters, dining room tables and the like – only make men realize how badly a romp in those situations would hurt their knees.

08] Special mention should be made of pool tables: I know pool tables, and I’ve owned pool tables. Pool tables are expensive and notoriously difficult to set up properly. Not only that, but repairs are a serious inconvienience. There is no such thing as a chick who is hot enough to be allowed to crawl around on my pool table.

07] Lingerie can be fun, but simple things like terry cloth bathrobes and oversized men’s button-down shirts are even better because, you know, these items might actually exist in a bachelor’s crib.

06] Ridiculous headgear, like floppy hats, bunny ears, and santa caps, are cute for about two photographs.

05] Eroticism depends a lot upon mystery, therefore, extreme close-ups of nether regions are by definition non-erotic. Sending robotic cameras spelunking to a woman’s cervix sorta/kinda extinguishes the mystery factor, if you know what I mean.

04] Naked women covered in beach sand are not erotic. I’ve made love on the beach before, and that sand gets exactly into all of the places you don’t want it to. It will never happen again.

03] Men past a certain age will imagine tucking girls in school uniforms into bed, not making love to them. The same goes for girls posing on beds accompanied by gazillions of stuffed animals… and cheerleaders.

02] Lighting is important, and a little goes a long way. You don’t need a 5,000 watt Hot Spot four inches from a girl’s bottom to get a good shot.

01] Porn stars do not make good erotic models. Once you know a girl does hardcore, you never look at her quite the same way again.

And, never forget that an erotic photograph can be rated PG-13.


Note the subtle use of lighting, the texture of terry cloth, and the brilliant background: It’s cold in that harsh city outside, but you have a warm gorgeous girl inside. Then, there is the situational aspect: One can imagine that she’s just said, “Good morning, I made coffee.” What guy wouldn’t be insanely in love at that point?

Posted in Art, Funny. 15 Comments »

15 Responses to “Top Ten Tips for Erotic Photographers”

  1. Ash Says:

    I agree mostly with 4, 7, 8 and 9.

  2. SwinishCapitalist Says:

    I have recently acquired a fan at another website, a lady whose idea of art consists mostly of sticking her large and (for me) unattractive bum right up close to the camera.
    Subtlety. Practice it, even if you can’t spell it.

  3. Ash Says:

    How did you attract such a lady Swinish?

  4. tizona Says:

    Sir Swinish, just for your recently acquired fan.

    Proctology is a field in medicine. The word Proctology is derived from the Greek words Proktos, meaning anus or hindparts, and Logos meaning science or study.

    It really shouldn’t take an intelligent fellow, such as yourself, to get your Doctorate. Then you can diagnose her problem. Don’t forget the latex 🙂

    Physicians specializing in this field of medicine are more commonly called colorectal surgeons, as the term proctologist is outdated in the more traditional areas of medicine. A proctologist should be a surgeon by training. Proctologists often work closely with urologists. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be the close proximity, of…well, you know.

  5. SwinishCapitalist Says:

    Warned you…

  6. Ash Says:

    I was warned, but I still wasn’t quite prepared.

  7. Angus Dei Says:

    Yeesh. I have provided an antidote post. 😉

  8. 1.618 Says:

    show nothing but everything.

  9. thefrollickingmole Says:

    I dont care what they say, nothing is more erotic than my impression of the Australian elephant, using only a pair of unzipped trousers for a prop….

    (For those who have lived a sheltered life….youll have to ask)

  10. Ash Says:

    I’m a sucker for the elephant Frollicking. It never fails to crack me up.

  11. thefrollickingmole Says:

    Must…..resist…..double entrende……..sucker…………..elephant, Bwahahahahahah…. Sorry Ash, you walked into that one.

  12. Ash Says:

    I know Mole. I planned it that way.

    Nice job on resisting the obvious though!

  13. Angus Dei Says:

    Damn. This is the second time this morning I’ve had to clean coffee off my keyboard.

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