The Anti-Anti-American

Today’s excerpt from “Holidays in Hell” by PJ O’Rourke:


Back in London, I was having dinner in the Groucho Club—this week’s in-spot for what’s left of Britain’s lit glitz and noveau rock riche—when one more person started in on the Stars and Stripes. Eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” (This fellow had been two during the Blitz, you see). “You don’t know the horror, the suffering. You think war is…”

I snapped.

“A John Wayne movie,” I said. “That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it? We think war is a John Wayne movie. We think life is a John Wayne movie—with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well, you know something, Mister Limey Poofter? You’re right. And let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD.

“We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock-market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go.

“You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying ‘Cheerio.’ Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen and jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.”

Of course, the guy should have punched me. But this was Europe. He just smiled his shabby, superior Euro trash smile.  (God, don’t these people have dentists?)


Okay, now who here can imagine O’Bambi giving the Euroweenies a spray like this, instead of a blowjob like this?


8 Responses to “The Anti-Anti-American”

  1. yojimbo Says:

    Well,…….where to begin! Lord I was born a ramblin’ man:)

    President Roosevelt on 12/8/1941
    “Yesterday December 7,1941-a day which will live in infamy-the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”

    I guess none of these people ever heard of the War of 1812 between the US and Britain.
    I guess Fort McHenry , ever hear of the “Star Spangled Banner”, was in Montenegro and not Maryland. I guess the British never burned down the President Mansion causing President Madison to flee.
    I guess no British forces were in New Orleans in 1814(Louisiana purchase was in 1803).
    Ever hear of Bataan or Corregidor or Luzon or “I shall return”
    Could go on and on but why.
    But why not! Tall talk from some clown whose own Prime MInister literally ceded another sovereign country(Czechoslovakia) to Hitler in the Munich Agreement just a few short years before this clowns birth.

  2. spot_the_dog Says:

    LOL. You, you literalist, you 😛 Teach me to blog at 3 in the morning… It’s still a good rant, hey? Better than Ich bin ein poofter…”

  3. yojimbo Says:

    T’was a good rant. “And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go.” Bad to the bone!:)

    No German combat brigade, let alone an entire division, ever wafted their way onto British soil in either of the “Great Wars”.

  4. spot_the_dog Says:

    Y’know, Yojimbo, off-topic, but your avatar makes you look uncomfortably like Kevin Rudd… It’s the round face and glasses, I reckon.

  5. yojimbo Says:

    You’re right. And thank you for not mentioning my mouth which makes me look like one of those blow-up dolls. 😉
    I’m a captive of senior leadership here!

  6. Angus Dei Says:

    The true measure of a person’s liberation is not caring. Not giving a rip, a fuck, or a cold fart in hell. Once you get to the point that you can sincerely and profoundly not care, you have the entire world whipped. Nothing and no one can touch you.

    That’s why I don’t fucking, goddamned, cocksucking, motherfucking care what any Euro-pee-on thinks about America or anything else.

    Europe is America’s bitch. And Canada is America’s punk. Mexico? I think they clean the toilets on tuesdays and thursdays.

  7. J.M. Heinrichs Says:

    “And Canada is America’s punk.”
    Yeah, and we’re still on top!


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