When I am King…

In comments to our SwinishCapitalist’s post on local government, Angus Dei & Yojimbo had some definite ideas on what they will do when they rule the world.  Given that, I thought now was as good a time as any to reprise a post Ash did back in February on what Skippy will do when he is king.

Some of the highlights:

Declaration #1: Being an asshole will be considered a form of violent assault. As such, violent retribution will be considered self-defense. In other words, as long as you can convince a jury of your peers that the son of a bitch had it coming, it’s kosher.

Declaration #3: All juvenile crimes will be punished with use of the stocks. Nothing amends teenage behavior faster than public embarrassment.

Declaration #4: The definition of the crime of pedophilia will be amended to include all acts of terrorism. This way anytime a terrorist is named on the news, they will be described as a pedophile.

Declaration #6: People who go on killing sprees to get attention (See V- Tech, NIU, Columbine, etc.) will not ever be mentioned by name in the press. They will only be referred to by silly emasculating names such as “Darling Princess Poofiness the Third”. All pictures of them will be modified to put them in ridiculous outfits. Once a year there will be a holiday where small children gather to laugh at these people. This will do more to reduce school violence than any amount of dress codes or banned music.

There are more here.

We’ll add to those Yojimbo’s Declaration #12:  the Universities of Arizona and Kansas alternating national championships in every sport; and Angus Dei’s Declaration #13:  “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

Anyone else want to get in on this?  We could always make it a rotating position 😉

6 Responses to “When I am King…”

  1. Ash Says:

    Declaration #11: Seth Green will be publicly executed, by way of an elephant, a waffle iron, and a case of Thunderbird brand malt liquor.
    He knows why.

    Hurry up and become the Supreme Ruler Skippy. Your country needs you. Time to show how much you love your country.

  2. Angus Dei Says:

    I was only kidding about the lawyers, of course (really), but I whole heartedly agree about using stocks as an “embarrass and release” punishment. There’s nothing cruel or unusual about it: There is no physical harm to the convicted (Cry me a river about emotional “trauma”) and stocks are quite usual, having been employed for petty crimes for centuries.

    The problem is, of course, the prisons would lose boatloads of money, and they are a powerful interest group… which is one reason I think anyone getting a government check shouldn’t be allowed to vote, including the police but excluding active duty military.

  3. yojimbo Says:

    I would also like to bring back something like the “Scarlet Letter”. We could use it for people who;

    Make outlandish claims about the enviornment like the Algore and Tim Flannery
    Engage in the very lifestyles that they would withhold from the ordinary citizen.
    Wish to claim current credibility even after making dire counterpredictions in the past. I’m thinking of the “coming ice age” people who are now out front in the AGW parade.

  4. yojimbo Says:

    And then he continues.

    I would add a subsection to the stock rule. Here I would include those people who present a clear and present danger to our liberty based upon AGW.
    Example from the “Policy Studies Institute should clarify. “When the chips are down I think democracy is a less important goal than is the protection of the planet from the death of life. the end of like itself…..This has got to be imposed on people whether they like it or not.”
    You can also add all those people who want to put “denialists” on trial.

  5. mythusmage Says:

    1. No athletic competition shall be held in a location where the atmosphere can be used as construction material.

    2. No child care expert shall be allowed within 100 yards of a child.

    3. Three hundred yards if working for child protective services.

    4. A pundit shall be considered guilty until a suitable punishment can be applied.

    5. Losing attorney pays.

    6. The laws concerning fraud and misrepresentation shall be applied to journalists and journalistic outlets.

    7. The New York Times and the LA Times and their reporters will suffer double penalties.

    8. Before any public project can be built funds for maintenance shall be allocated.

    More to come.

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