A Fantastic Life Story: Dan Green is Dead


If you are not familiar with The Wittenburg Door, it is the anti-idiotarian site of the Christian world. You can even cuss in the comments there without being censored. They relentlessly mock and debunk Televangelists and others I call Christo-tards, so it is one of my favorite sites, obviously.

Bob Gersztyn has written a fabulously funny, and outrageous remembrance of his friend Dan Green there. Seriously, it is simply unbelievably good.

“Dan Green was one bad ass mofo, and now he’s dead. He told the doctors at the VA hospital to go f— themselves. They wanted to poke him with scalpels and IV’s. So he refused to cooperate, and he died. He was 74, weighed about 160, and stood five foot six, with a short-cropped buzz cut on a clean-shaven bullet-shaped head.

He was a welterweight on the Navy boxing team, until he realized that his arms were too short, which is why he was receiving more than he was dishing out. When he quit boxing the Korean war was still going on. He worked on the deck of aircraft carriers, wearing an asbestos suit. That’s how he got emphysema and lung cancer, but he didn’t bitch, because the VA took care of him.”

That’s just the intro:

“He got married right after the Korean war, and he got a job at the Oregon State Correctional Facility and became Sergeant of the Guard, until he stepped down to work as a common guard at the state prison. Driver Number 7001 told me the story of why Dan voluntarily took the demotion one night shortly after his demise.

“He had a ten-year-old daughter that was raped, by a family friend,” Number 7001 said. “The police botched the investigation and all the evidence had to be thrown out. The girl’s violator was never even charged. Dan waited about a year and then one day he and two of his prison guard friends tracked down the rapist, and took him out to a deserted area in West Salem, and hung him. Everyone knew who did it, but nobody talked and they couldn’t do anything. As a slap on his hand, he privately agreed to step down, as Sergeant of the Guard, and finished his time as an ordinary guard.””

You’ll want to read it all, because it gets better.

4 Responses to “A Fantastic Life Story: Dan Green is Dead”

  1. thefrollickingmole Says:

    “..tracked down the rapist, and took him out to a deserted area in West Salem, and hung him..”

    Thats so beautiful, Ive got a tear in my eye… I love a happy ending.

  2. Ash Says:

    Sometimes there’s a very good reason for taking the law into your own hands. That’s one of them.

    I hope the coppers who fucked up the case never got a chance at a promotion or lost their jobs. It’s not like there aren’t strict rules and procedures to be followed to make sure that cases aren’t screwed up.

  3. Ash Says:

    Oh, and Angus? The fold rule doesn’t apply to well-written, downright honest eulogies like this one.

  4. Rebecca H Says:

    Good story. The man was an original, and there are so few of those left.


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