Centre Square Speech: Delivered By Sam Kekovich (Updated)

Centre Square is a $1500 per ticket event held at Punt Road before the Australian Football League Grand Final, held in September every year. This year, the Geelong Cats played against the Hawthorn Hawks; a game the Hawks won.

At Centre Square, lamb connoisseur Sam Kekovich was invited to speak. This is a transcript of his speech.

Grand Final Day 2008

My fellow Australians,

I’ve been invited here to talk to Centre Square, in these big marquees on Punt Road Oval. And speaking of Punt Road Oval, let me tell you something for nothing – Jack Dyer would be spinning in his grave if he could see the place right now. Full of a bunch of Collins Street corporate criminals, Chapel Street designer cats and Toorak poodle rooters who have about as much interest in football as Paris Hilton has an interest in astrophysics.

Captain Blood didn’t break every bone in his body and commit multiple acts of on-field heroism and homicide so he could see his beloved home ground turned into an over-priced pre-match party for chardonnay-swilling spivs and their assorted hangers-on attending their one footy match of the year, whilst tens of thousands of hard-working honest battlers who love the game and love their team
are denied the chance to attend the greatest game in the world.

I’ve had a gutful. Whilst this bunch of Armani-wearing, Audi-driving, Prada-carrying try-hards monopolise priceless vantage points in the MCG, millions of genuine footy fans who have followed their team through thick and thin have to make do by watching the game at home or down at the local pub, whilst the Melbourne spivocracy get to sit on their fat posteriors in a marquee and wouldn’t even know the way to the MCG without a tour guide.

Since most of you haven’t attended a single match this year and know nothing about football, let me give you a few tips – Geelong wears blue, Hawthorn wears brown, and in case you were wondering, there’ll be no fashions on the field at half-time, and no, the Lexus Centre across the road is not a prestige car dealership.

Centre Square is not only unfair. Centre Square is not only inequitable. Centre Square is downright un-Australian! And so are all of you! In fact, I bet you’re all so un-Australian that you all hate the Anzacs, you booed Cathy Freeman, and you want to cull cute cuddly koalas because one of them once jumped out in front of your Range Rover on the way to Mount Hotham.

But it’s not just you who are at fault. I also blame the AFL – those out-of-touch, opera-loving elitists at AFL headquarters who are responsible for this unconscionable abomination need to take a good hard look in the mirror. That is if they can handle the sight of moral and spiritual bankruptcy staring back at them.

I also blame the government. Our new Prime Minister has clearly failed his first test of leadership if he thinks it’s acceptable to allow an event like this to go ahead without a pre-emptive strike by the SAS. The PM is doing nothing to ease the squeeze on working families on the bottom rung of the ladder of opportunity who just want to see their team in the Granny. But he’d better get his act together and do something about it, or millions of angry footy fans will do it for him.

Revolutions have been started and governments have been overthrown for lesser outrages than this. And people ask why we need capital punishment.

So cut off your silver tails, tear up your fur coats and get fair dinkum. Our great Australian game is the greatest game in the world – the game of the people. Not some once-a-year marquee piss-up for an overpaid, over-dressed pack of passionless corporate cretins who only turn up for the free chardonnay and then spend the actual game looking about as interested and excited as a line of Easter Island statues.

So don’t bother coming across to the MCG this afternoon, because you’re not welcome. The next train out of Melbourne leaves Richmond station in 10 minutes – so make sure you’re on it. Or, better still, under it.

So don’t be un-Australian – everyone here in Centre Square can get stuffed! You know it makes sense. I’m Sam Kekovich.

UPDATE: Watch Sam Kekovich in action, via Spot’s Australia Day post.

9 Responses to “Centre Square Speech: Delivered By Sam Kekovich (Updated)”

  1. TimH Says:

    I’m jealous of that guy ; he gets paid a fortune to turn up and insult people.

  2. Ash Says:

    You and me both Tim. It seems like the perfect job to me!

    I’m just trying to figure out how I can crack into the field…

  3. Angus Dei Says:

    That was a first class rant! Pointed in all the right directions and hilarious.

  4. Ash Says:

    Angus, Sam’s definitely a good guy.

    He doesn’t like hippies.
    He eats lamb.
    He has a sense of humour.
    He stands up for the little guy.
    He doesn’t like phonies.

  5. The Wizard of WOZ Says:

    Wow. Someone buy that man a beer.

  6. nswexpat Says:

    Finally someone prepared to risk popularity and say it how it is…..Sam for PM.

  7. spot_the_dog Says:

    I second that, nswexpat. Or, if Australia becomes a Republic, Sam for President! (And if Sarah Palin doesn’t get up this year in America, we’ll kidnap her and she can come be our Vice President!)

  8. Simba Says:

    Told it how it is!!!

  9. Ash Says:

    …we’ll kidnap her…

    Nah, we’ll do this all nice an’ legal. Just tell her about the drop bear hunting. That’ll get her here.

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