Launching My New Conspiracy Theory

I don’t usually engage in conspiracy theories (Troofers, anyone?) but this one is different. My Conspiracy, hereby known as The Drinks Scam Conspiracy, is so ridiculous that if anyone believes it, I will laugh my ass off and mock them for as long as I live.

The Drinks Scam Conspiracy is based on a simple premise: some people will buy absolutely anything. So allow me to now detail the Conspiracy for you.

We all know that Global Warming/Climate Change is real and must be fought immediately, and therefore, for a reason that makes absolutely no sense, we have to get rid of the carbon.

Many alcohols are filtered through carbon to remove impurities and unwanted flavours and other assorted things, so it naturally follows that we need to remove the carbon from the alcohol brewing process. Our superiors (ie, Those Who Believe) therefore believe that in order to fight Global Warming, we need to have either beer that tastes like piss, or go without a wide range of drinks, because from memory, beer, wine, vodka, bourbon and Southern Comfort are all carbon-filtered.

This got me thinking about Dear Leader Kevin’s alcopops tax. Since Dear Leader’s alcopops tax was introduced to “curb teenage binge drinking”, we can safely assume that this tax is for the good of the children, and that alcohol is always bad. So it naturally follows that since alcohol is bad, alcohol that is carbon filtered is extra bad. So we’re taught about the evils of carbon, starting as early as the age of five.

We’re through the looking glass here people…

Global Warming was invented to curb drinking!

11 Responses to “Launching My New Conspiracy Theory”

  1. bingbing Says:

    Global Warming was invented to curb drinking!

    Didn’t work.

  2. thefrollickingmole Says:

    I bring you the culmination of 2 evils in one….


  3. Ash Says:

    Broccoli Beer Cheese Soup?

    Mole, I officially hate you. You’ve just ruined Beer and Cheese for me!

  4. bingbing Says:

    Mmmm. Sure, why not? Why didn’t someone think of mixing beer with cheese then adding broccoli sooner? As a soup? Even better.

    Here’s one. How about mixing cabbage with salt, fish paste and red pepper?

    Oops, they’ve already done that…. and they eat it with every.single.meal.

  5. Ash Says:

    I think I’m gonna be sick Bingbing. That looks foul!

  6. The Wizard of WOZ Says:

    “We have to get rid of the carbon.”

    But, but, people are made of carbon…

  7. nilk Says:

    And Soylent Green is made of people.

    OMG! I’m eating carbon!

  8. The Wizard of WOZ Says:

    Cant believe no one beat me to this:

    “Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children”…

  9. bingbing Says:

    Korea’s most popular soju goes through quadruple filtering. Just hope it’s charcoal… that contains carbon, right?

    The most popular variety of soju is currently Chamisul (참 이슬 – literally meaning “real dew”)[citation needed], a quadruple-filtered soju produced by Jinro…

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