I watch twilight…yet another post on the all embracing suckiness…

The missus finally made me watch twilight last week. I know the last thing the world needs is another post on the all embracing suck that is twilight, but here goes anyway.

First the good points.

Very well shot, good locations and scenery.

The crap bits.

More below the fold.

N#1: Why get a 22 year old bloke to play someone who’s supposed to be 17? Holyweird has a bad habit of doing this, it puts out unrealistic expectations of what a 17 year old bloke is supposed to be.

N#2:  The lady playing Bella is slightly better, but getting an 18 year old to play 17 again raises the whole unrealistic image issue for me.

N#3: Some of the ham fisted set pieces. When Bella sees Edward in the lab he has “wings” sprouting from his back in an “angel” effect. The wings are from a stuffed owl behind him but it was a rather wanky set piece.

Subtle as a brick.

N#4: After this I couldnt take the movie seriously anymore without a running series of fart jokes. Heres the scenes from their script.

EDWARD — his back to her, sitting at a front table. But as
          she passes Edward’s table..
           SLOW MOTION — the breeze she creates when she passes lifts
          piece of paper next to Edward. We’re still on his back as he
          inhales –then abruptly stiffens. He grabs onto the edge of
          the table, crumbling it slightly. No one notices.


Mr. Molina gestures to the only empty seat… next to Edward.
          But as Bella approaches, she’s taken aback when
          ON EDWARD’S FACE -he slowly looks up at her, his eyes coal
          black with repulsion, fury. If looks could literally kill..

Bella glances at Edward who averts his face, holding a hand over
          his nose as if he smells something horrible.
          Bella, shrinking, subtly sniffs the air, smells nothing.
          Then she sniffs her hair. It’s fine. She’s perplexed.

then later on: But you – your scent, it’s like
          drug to me… my own personal brand
          of heroin.

Thats when the movie became a fart joke for me….

          Like that’ll help. I could smell
          her from across the field.

N#5: Sparkly vampires….. not burn or die but sparkle FFS, why not have him ride up on my little pony or be made of gingerbread as well? Fortunately those intrepid people in the sex toy industry have been hard at it to meet customer demand… I present the sparkly twilight dildo

As the sun hits him… EDWARD’S SKIN literally sparkles as if
          embedded with thousands of tiny diamonds. He is magnificent,
          shimmering, like a statue carved from glittering crystal. He
          moves toward her.

N#6: Edward is a peeping tom pervert, but thats ok because hes like, totally hot……

          How did you get in here?
          The window. As always.
          You’ve been here before?
          What else is there to do at night?

The movie is bad, it takes itself so seriously it hurts. Heres the script.

But this series, now this is how vamps should be! (plus its got hooters, always important in developing plot)…

One Response to “I watch twilight…yet another post on the all embracing suckiness…”

  1. Angus Dei Says:

    I totally love True Blood. I’ve seen every episode at least twice, and can’t wait for the new season to start. Just the trailers for Twilight made me barf. Vampires are supposed to be dangerous, FFS.

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