Rant of the Year, So Far

“Math doesn’t suck, you do.”


23 Responses to “Rant of the Year, So Far”

  1. elsie Says:

    My turn to rant! Puhlease! How did not liking cooking being compared to not liking maths, creep in there?

    “Sucking at math is like sucking at cooking. I’m tired of eating shitty food because you’re too much of a dipshit to follow a recipe. Also, I’m tired of hearing people brag about how they can’t cook like it’s some kind of badge of honor. It’s like a race to the bottom with you people. I always hear people one-upping each other about how inept they are at cooking. If you don’t know how to chop up a few carrots to make a decent soup, take your life”.

    I HATE cooking! I know exactly how to chop up a few carrots” and how to “follow a recipe”, but consider any time spent in the kitchen cooking, as wasting precious minutes of my life when I could be doing something far more interesting (like thinking about maths)!

    Happy New Year everyone!

    • bingbing Says:

      You see, elsie, this is why I have issues. Nana couldn’t cook for shit and mum was even worse. Like, seriously, how can you fuck up a curry?

      How can you make something suck and stink so much it took me until I went to Nepal to realise that a good curry is possibly the best dish ever envisioned by mankind? And even people in Nepal can do it? Ha! Even? They kick our arses!

      How can you fuck up spaghetti? It’s flour, water, meat and fire. And tomatoes. Salt.


      A roast? Just cook the damn chunk of meat.

      How can dishes like that be so wronged???

      But they were.

      Learn how to cook!

      He’s right, and you don’t even need to follow a recipe.

      My blood’s more English than most people who live in England these days and I can tell you that English food is tripe.

      Go to Italy, Thailand, India, China, America or even, heaven forbid, Australia (no, not France. French food is just offal drowned in a yummy sauce… the sauces had to be yummy because the food was offal because Napoleon was … anyway… also, French perfume is the best because Paris STANK of horse piss back in the day and I hear it still does), and realise that a common factor in most good food is that it has flavour and doesn’t kill you.

      I’m not being cruel – you know me, right? – but go out tomorrow and buy two thick top sirloins. They’re not too expensive. Sprinkle some salt and pepper on both sides.

      Read a magazine.

      Turn on the stove, medium-to-high heat. Add a generous amount of whatever oil you have (edible) and butter.

      Give each edge of the thick juicy steaks about a minute each.

      Then chuck on one side for about 15 seconds before flipping (don’t listen to the anti-sear crowd).

      Wait till the blood starts forming on the surface.


      Give it about 3 minutes, then turn the heat off, leave the steak in the butter and oil, have a ciggie and read another maddox rant.




      Make a deal that hubby-of-elsie will wash up if any the steak is any good. If not, offer to repaint the house.

      Do NOT ruin it with bloody peas or beans or carrots, or any other horrendous vegetable lest it be jacket potato with sour cream, butter, bacon bits and shallots (but that’s for another day and quite frankly, the restaurant, because I haven’t googled how to do that either. Baked potatoes, maybe? A Berocca? A beer?).

      (But yeah, I suck at math, too… probably why his page gets a million unique hits a month and mine is due to get a million unique hits, possibly, by 2030…)

    • Merilyn Says:

      My brother is a better cook then I am, [he should be he is a chef], but he always was a better cook, and boy is he good. My pet rant, dusting, jeez I hate dusting.

    • bingbing Says:

      Merilyn, I take it Christmas lunch/dinner is at his house every year. If not, why bother carrying on?

    • Merilyn Says:

      Oh yes bing, and he cooked enough to feed an army, [according to my sister-in-law], sadly only when we lived anywhere near each other as both his job and my husbands took us all over the place. Oldest daughter had tea at his place the other night, then rang to tell me what he cooked suffice to say I was drooling all day, that was just cruel.

  2. elsie Says:

    Thank you for the recipe, bingbing, I promise to try it, but I am afraid NOTHING is going to make me enjoy cooking!.I don’t know why I hate it so much. I can do it quite successfully…. My immediate family numbers 16 now, and they never complain when they are all fed here. I have a great Italian cookbook with recipes that inevitably turn out well, and my Garlic Lamb and Rosemary Roast, or Moroccan lambshanks with couscous always get compliments. can honestly say that I have never f-ed up a curry , as I have a brother-in-law who had his own curry restaurant and gave me his recipes).

    I shall never forget one Christmas many years ago when one of my daughters told me Mr Elsie had hidden an electric fry-pan for me under her bed. I actually screamed in horror. When Christmas came there was no sign of a fry-pan! I would live on sandwiches if I was on my own!

    Maybe I should see a shrink as I really do have a pathological hatred of time spent standing in front of a stove.Perhaps after 47 years of providing meals almost 365 times a year has just got to me!!! That’s 51,465 meals, thinking mathematically 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • gregoryno6 Says:

      Elsie, I’m shocked. I always pictured you as a CWA Cookbook sort of lady.

    • elsie Says:

      Sorry to disappoint you gregoryno6, but I am more to be found in places like this than in kitchens!


    • bingbing Says:

      Na. I’m going with the whole bland English cooking thing…

      The “Moraccan” lamb is just lamb shanks from Woolies with salt, pepper, and maybe if hubby is lucky, a dash of paprika.

      And a shot of whiskey.

      Rosemary roast, so delicately titled, is a big chunk of cow shoved on to the oven with a few branches added.

      Am I right?

      But 47 years and you ARE right.

      Make him cook something. What the worst that could happen apart from 3rd degree burns and your house burning down?

      Realistically, you’ll both have a few laughs, might learn something, and have a lot of fun in the process.

      Has he never cooked?

      Start him off easy.

      I’m not going to imply he’s a spastic, so that steak recipe could possibly do.

      Serious, a man is going to do every thing in his power to make a steak right.

      What hubby does? Who knows?

      But it will most likely be fun and tasty.

      The older or more stubborn he is?

      Oh, get the video camera!

    • bingbing Says:

      Did elsie just say “f-up”?

      Fluffed up?

      Be-fungled to the power of up?


      51 thou?… and change?

      Get him cookin’!

      -DR bingbing, shrink certified

  3. spot_the_dog Says:

    “Did elsie just say “f-up”?”

    Yes. Yes, she did.

    I {heart} you, elsie! 😉

  4. spot_the_dog Says:

    P.S. Bingbing’s recent rant on seals isn’t too shabby either… as rants go. Nice work, mate.

  5. elsie Says:

    Well everyone, you can boil me in oil, grill me incessantly and put me on a rack, but I will not convert to being a cooking supporter. There is as much chance of me ever enjoying cooking as there is of me voting Labor in the next election! I am afraid Mr elsie’s parents both came from the UK. I think bangers and mash are still high on his happy memories of his Mum’s cooking.

    I liked the rant about seals too, spot! Great reading bingbing.

  6. J.M. Heinrichs Says:

    Nice recipe here:
    … but it’s not as good as my version.


  7. AussieScotty Says:

    Steak should never, never, never be cooked on a stove. Get outside and use the bloody barbeque. Happy Australia Day!

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