Children writing about the ocean: Courtesy, a friend.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6 )
3. If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7 )
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6 )
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8 )
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6 )
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7 )
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6 )
9. I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6 )
10. Some fish are dangerous.. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7 )
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6 )
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8 )
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7 )
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6 )
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7 )

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?” Courtesy, a friend.

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children; and so all mankind was made.”

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

Her father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Dad says we developed from monkeys?”

The mother answers, “Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

After a short stay in the USA , Michaelangelo’s David returned to Europe. Courtesy a friend..

UPDATE (Angus Dei): After a brief stint on the new Celebrity McDonald’s Diet, David was back to form.

A Little Johnnie Joke…

Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby.’
The mother said, ‘Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.’
Johnnie said, ‘He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?’

‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.’

‘That’s great’, said Little Johnnie,’coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses.’

Bolta For Parliament?

I’m quite intrigued by this.

If Andrew Bolt’s running for Parliament, I better move down to the seat of Higgins, because let’s face it, we need men (or women) like him in Parliament, representing the views of a fair few people and helping to re-energise the Liberal Party with fresh blood.

Andrew Bolt would certainly be a great asset to the Liberals, for a few reasons:

• He’s got a good head on his shoulders;
• He represents a view that has been lost to the Liberals over the past 4 years;
• He keeps himself informed;
• He has pretty good research skills;
• He doesn’t swallow bullshit easily;
• He has a high public profile: “Love him or hate him, you all know him”;
• He has a good sense of humour;
• He has media contacts; and
• He can speak WeaselTalk.

And if this is an April Fool’s Day joke, it’s a bloody good one!

Children Are So Helpful

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, “It’s my wash cloth.”

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, “What happened to your wash cloth?”

The mother responded, “I lost it.”

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth.”

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, “Where did you find it?”

The boy answered, “The maid has it! She is washing daddy’s face with it.”

tis definitely time for levity.. much too serious at this party

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.” “Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?” “Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead” “My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?” “Si, Senor, that’s the one.” “Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?” “From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.” “Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?” “Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.” “Dead horse? What dead horse?” “The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.” “My prize thoroughbred is dead?” “Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.” “Are you insane?? What water cart?” “The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.” “Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??” “The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.” “What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!” “Yes, Senor Rod.” “But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?” “For the funeral, Senor Rod.” “WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!” “Your wife’s, Senor Rod”, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.” SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!!”

I Wonder How Many Moonbats…

…will go away believing this:

In America just 100 people have 93% of all the wealth, the rest are all virtual serfs to them working for an average $2.56 an hour, 18 hours a day. 80 million Americans live in cardboard boxes on the street. Only 647 Americans can afford health care.

68% of Americans with homes are about to be chucked out due to the mortgage crisis, and Dick Cheney is going to personally drown all of their kittens and puppies. 25 million Americans either starve to death or freeze to death each year, and everyone just laughs at them.

There is no welfare system; poor people are given 1 plastic turkey and a hunk of government warehouse cheese every second Thursday and that’s it.

The Bildenberg group is forcing anyone on less than $100,000/annum to get microchips, and is fingerprinting and DNA-testing all black and Latino children for inclusion in a global database.

The airplanes that George HitlerHalliburton McChimpypants crashed into the World Trade Center were full of dissidents who had been incarcerated without trial in gulags in Iowa for not wearing American flag lapel pins.

The US government is forcing black folks to take crack and meth which are deliberately contaminated with syphilis bacteria, the AIDS virus and drugs to sterilise them.

The boarder fence with Mexico and the Coast Guard ships between Florida and Cuba are actually there to keep Americans from escaping.

But don’t tell anyone, m’kay? Very few of us are smart enough to have figured out the troof.

Written by Gordon in Perth at Andrew Bolt’s blog.

Heh.

PM Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

Teacher asked PM if he’d like to lead the discussion on the word “TRAGEDY.” So our illustrious leader from Queensland asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered “If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Kevin from Queensland, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”

“No” said PM. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other child volunteered.

Kevin searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”

Finally, a small boy raised his hand. In a small voice he said, “If the plane carrying you and Ms Gillard was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” cried Kev from Qld. “That’s right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” said the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a flamin’ accident either.”

-via Andrew Bolt reader Tess of Brisbane