Homo oecologicus

They’re dead serious (I think), but that didn’t stop me from laughing at every sentence. You couldn’t satirise gobbledegook this well.

Even by academic humanities standards, it’s a painful abuse of the English language.

More Alt-Tourism Australia, Spider Version

In keeping with my theme of  “Spider of the Day” and our recent post spruiking Australian “Adventure” Tourism, reader and fellow Sandgroper The Wizard of Woz has fowarded several posters for consideration by the Australian Alt-Tourism Commission.

In consideration of the sensibilities of some of our more spider-adverse readers, graphics are below the fold. (click for full size)

Lyle Republished

This has been going through my head all freakin’ day for absolutely no reason, so I’ll share that joy with you all. It’s one of Lyle’s greatest, a rather competitive title considering the genius of the man, but expressed in just the right sing-song voice gets completely stuck in your head.

I give you “A Squirrel Poem For Children”, originally published at the Lair of Blair:

A Squirrel Poem for Children

My squirrel plays the bagpipes;
He keeps them in my car.
He plays those nasty bagpipes
Wherever squirrels are.
Colt forty-five, meet bagpipes
And blast them all to hell.
Though squirrel plays the bagpipes
He does not play them well.

If anyone knows how to get it out of my head, I’d really appreciate it. I think I may have to gnaw my arm off to distract.

Is This A Sick Joke?!

Has anyone seen this enjoyable movie?

Now hands up who thinks it’s full of shit?

Heh. That’s what I thought!

Stuff Worth Lookin’ At

Via Paco (and The_Real_JeffS (ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS!)) we have some military photos.

The Tree Hugging Sister clearly understands my KFC addiction.

A rather unsurprising look at the changing qualities of marijuana.

Mythusmage has it about right on the Bigfoot hoax. I like the idea of Bigfoot being real, so these types of hoaxes also annoy me.

Michelle Malkin has the scoop on how desperate the Obama camp is getting.

Maggie’s Farm has some really cool photos of Golden Gate Park.

An intriguing look at some US law.

The man with the bike sets an evil challenge. I was afraid to guess.

This Is Just Great

The first few pins, I have to admit, weren’t so bad.

Plus if I turned to one side I got great reception on SBS. While lancing my right foot, however, he hit something that I’m fairly sure was pretty angry about the whole thing.

“Agh! Take it out!” I screamed.

“It’s OK,” said the hippie, removing the needle. “You just had a really big flow of chi go through your body.”

Possibly. Then again, what might have happened – and this is just a theory – is that a hippie with a “degree” granted him by some guy in Hong Kong who thinks ground-up panda testicles will cure liver cancer just stuck an enormous pin in my foot that responded by sending “pain” messages to my brain which were then expressed by me in the form of screaming agony. As I said: Just a theory.

Read the whole thing. It’s great.

Quote Of The Day

“I’m not sure we need to worry too much about the Golden Gate Bridge [in the event of an earthquake], because I’m not sure all of Western California will still be around.”

I heard this on an ad for a documentary looking at what’s being done to the Golden Gate Bridge for the inevitable earthquake.

A few toon’s courtesy, a friend

Iowahawk: Pure Genius

Iowahawk’s being kind to Hillary, and he’s kindly given her a space to write down her key points of interest. It’s well worth a read.

High School: The Insanity Test

This came to memory for reasons unknown as I was buying my meat for dinner. For the curious, I’m having eye fillets. Which I’m gonna wrap in bacon. And smother in garlic sauce.

But I digress.

In high school (whatever’s between the ages of about 12 and 18, for you furriners) I had an evil streak.

*Silence*

I knew you’d be shocked!

Anyway, I was friends with a bunch of older kids men, Jesse being one of them, and we were all naughty. One of the guys, Ris the Greek, was much naughtier however, and in a sneaky and cunning way got himself a copy of the school master key. That key was magic, because it had the ability to open any door in the school. You can see the potential here.

One day, Ris the Greek decided to show us a website he’d found. So he unlocked a computer room and logged on, and showed us this insanity test. It cracked the whole bunch of us up. So being the kind, considerate bunch we were, we decided to share the joy.

After the warning bell (the bell designed to tell us that we should be lined up outside our class rooms) rang, we had loaded the site on all of the computers in the classroom, and made sure the sound was on. And we unplugged the monitors and put the cords in a cupboard at the front of the room. We then took off, so as not to be busted at the scene of the crime.

We went around the back of the classroom, innocently walking to our classes, and happened to get a look at the teacher’s face. Priceless.

Silly internet things I never tire of.

This is one.

A Gift For The Mole

Songs From Squirreldom (NSFW).

Enjoy!

For you know who..

I’m probably going to regret this….

A message to the homeless

Relax, it’s called black humor. And if even a hint of a smile came across you face… hmmm, tsk, tsk.

Don’t sympathise with people just because they are physically disabled.

https://tizona.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/student-in-wheechair-faces-assault-charges-for-running-over-classmates-toe/#comments

After a short stay in the USA , Michaelangelo’s David returned to Europe. Courtesy a friend..

UPDATE (Angus Dei): After a brief stint on the new Celebrity McDonald’s Diet, David was back to form.

Dick Quest Tangled Up

This is just so funny. It really is. There’s just something about some “celebrities”…

CNN personality Richard Quest was busted in Central Park early yesterday with some drugs in his pocket, a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot, law-enforcement sources said.

Quest, 46, was arrested at around 3:40 a.m. after a cop spotted him and another man inside the park near 64th Street, a police source said.

Link via the only Likeable Lawyer. And as said lawyer notes “…with this sort of arrest on his record, he might as well just run for Congress. He’ll fit right in!“

I teach English as a second language differently

Look Into The Future

Take a look into the future with Jack Marx. You may not like what you see.

Email Sent

Wished Response:

Dear Asshole,

Re: the file attachment you sent me.

Fuck. You!

Yours Faithfully,

Ash.

Real Response:

Dear Asshole,

Re: the file attachment you sent to me

I note that Collingwood’s outstanding success since the 1990 Grand Final has allowed for them to attain the knowledge that their supporters cannot actually afford club memberships. Or dental work.

Yours Faithfully,

Ash.

And to think, I have to teach these kids

Caption Needed

On this thread, Bolta has the image below.

I bet we can come up with heaps of incredibly tasteless captions.

Give it a go!

Aussie Jim Jeffries…Comedy

Who says Perth is ‘Dullsville’?

See, if you were here in Perth today, you could come along and watch this man keep his word!

from The West Australian:

It’s a bet Carey Smith wishes he’d never made, and today he will pay an embarrassing price. The Delta Securities research analyst bet with two stock broking mates at a pub over a few beers back in 2005 that gold prices would not hit $US1000-an-ounce before 2011.

On March 14 gold hit that price and the 37-year-old self-confessed single bloke had no other option but to fulfil his end of a potentially embarrassing bet.

At 2.30pm today he will pull on an unflattering stretchy green lycra mankini and do a dash down Hay Street in Subiaco.

.

More photos (if you can bear them) via here.

If you’d like to get behind Carey “Mankini Man” Smith (figuratively, not literally!) you can leave messages of support here.

Think what you like, at least this man keeps his word, so respect for that. Listening, Kevin?

.

UPDATE: I should mention that Carey has been taking donations for the Princess Margaret Hospital for Children, and has already raised six thousand dollars for his effort.  Here he is in all his glory:

More Australiana for our Seppos

In the spirit of Angus Dei’s recent post, I present Austen Tayshus with “Australiana.” It was released in 1983 and went to Number 1 and double platinum on the Australian singles chart (don’t look at me!). Words (transcript?) below for the benefit of our non-Aussies.

Sittin’ at home last Sunday mornin’ me mate Boomerrang Said he was havin’ a few people around for a barbie, Said he might Kookaburra or two.

I said, “Sounds great, will Wallaby there?”

He said “Yeah and Vegemite come too”.

So I said to the wife “Do you wanna Goanna?”. She said “I’ll go if Dingos”.

So I said “Wattle we do about Nulla?”

He said “Nullabors me to tears, leave him at home.”

[Boomerang (Aboriginal weapon) (Barbie – Australian slang for barbeque) (Kookaburra – Australian bird) (Wallaby – Australian animal) (Vegemite – Australian food product) (Goanna – Australian lizard) (Dingo – Australian wild dog) (Nullabour – Highway through the outback of Australia)]

We got to the party about two and walked straight out the kitchen to put some booze in the fridge. And you wouldn’t believe it, there’s Boomer’s wife Warra sittin there tryin to Platypus!

Now, I don’t like to speak Illawarra, but I was shocked, I mean how much can a Koala bear.

So I grabbed a beer, flashed me Wangarratta and went out and joined the party.

(Booze – slang for alcohol) (Platypus – fresh-water animal) (Illawarra – A region in southern Australia) (Wangaratta – Australian town)

Pretty soon Ayers Rocks in and things really started jumpin’. This Indian girl, Marsu, turns up, dying to go to the toilet but she couldn’t find it. I said to me mate Al, “Hey, where can Marsupial?” He said “She can go outback with the fellas, she’s probably seen a cockatoo”.

(Ayres Rock – that big rock in the middle of Australia) (Marsupial – pouched mammals, e.g. kangaroos, bandicoots, wombats) (Cockatoo – Australian bird)

Well just then Warra comes out of the kitchen with a few drinks for everybody. Fairdinkum, you’ve never seen a Coolabah maid. I grabbed a beer and said, “Thanks Warra – tah”.

(Coolabah – Australian tree) (Warratah – Australian bush)

A couple of Queensland at the party, one smellin’ pretty strongly of aftershave. One of ’em sat down next to me and I turned to him and I said, “Ya know mate, Eureka Stockade!”

(Queensland – Australian State) (Eureka Stockade – the site of a civial revolt in the 1800’s) (Eureka – translating to ‘You reek a” – meaning you really stink).

It was a really hot day; Oscar felt like a swim. He said to Ina, “Do you want a have a dip in the Riverina?” She said “I haven’t got my Kosciusko”.

Well Bo says, “Come in starkers, Wattle Lake Eyre!” Ina says “What, without so much as a Thredbo?” Ah, Perisher thought! Has Eucumbine in yet?

(Riverina – an area in southern Australia known for fruit orchards) (Kosi – meaning cosi – slang for swimming costume) (Kosciousko – a mountain in the Australian snow fields; highest peak in Australia) (Wattle – Native Australian tree) (Thredbo – Ski Resort in southern Australia) (Perisher – another ski resort near Thredbo) (Eucumbene – a lake in Australia)

Well a few of the blokes decided to play some cricket. Boomer says “Why doesn’t Wombat?” “Yeah, and let Tenterfield”.

He said I should have a bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I suggested a game of cards. I said to Lyptus “Wanna game of Eucalyptus?” He said “There’s no point mate, Darwins everytime.”

(Wombat – Australian animal) (Tenterfield – Australian town) (Euca – card game) (Eucalyptus – Australian tree koala’s live in) (Darwin – Capital of the Northern Territory – territory of Australia)

Well Bill said he’d like a smoke. Nobody knew where the dope was stashed. I said “I think Merinos.” But I was just spinning a bit of a yarn. Barry pulls a joint out of his pocket. Bill says “Great, Barrier Reefer, what is it mate?” “Noosa Heads of course. Me mate Adelaide ’em on me.” And it was a great joint too, Blue Mountains away and his Three Sisters.

(Merino – Australian sheep) (Great Barrier Reef – The famous coral reef running down the coast of Queensland) (Adelaide – capital of South Australia) (Noosa Heads – a seaside resort in Queensland) (Blue Mountains – Mountain range outside Sydney) (Three Sisters – Landmark in the Blue Mountains, 3 pinnacle rocks)

Well I thought I’d roll one meself, I said “Chuck us the Tally Hobart”. He said “They’re out on the Laun, Ceston, can you get em for us?” Burnie says “Its okay mate, she’s apples, I’ll get em for ya”

(Tally Ho – Cigarette papers) (Hobart – Capital of Tasmania – Australian State) (Launceston – city in Tasmania) (Burnie – city in Tasmania) (Apples – one of the main export products of Tasmania)

Just then Alice Springs into action, starts to pack Billabong. And you wouldn’t believe it, the bongs broken. I said “Lord Howe!”

“Hay-man” somebody says “Will a Didgeridoo?” I said “Hummmmm mummmm mummmmm mummmmm maybe it’ll have ta.”

(Alice Springs – capital city of the Northern Territory – near Uluru / Ayers Rock) (Billabong – water hole in the outback) (Lord Howe – Australian owned island off the east coast of Australia) (Hayman – Australian island on the Great Barrier Reef) (Didgerdoo – Aboriginal musical instrument) (Hummmm mummmmmm mummmmmm – sound the didgerdoo makes – long droning sound)

I look in the corner and there’s Bass sittin there, not getting into it, not getting out of it, I said “What, is Bass Strait or somthin?” Boomer says “As a matter a fact mate, he’s a cop” I said “Ya jokin mate, a cop, I’m getting outta here, lets Goanna.” She said “No way, I’m hangin round till Gum leaves. Besides, I dont wanna leave Jacardanda party on his own. Have you seen him? I think he’s trying to crack on Toowoomba, he’s already tried to Mount Isa And he’ll definitely try to lead you Australiana!”

(Bass Strait – a sea strait separating Tasmania from the south of the Australian mainland) (Goanna – a large Australian monitor lizard) (Gum leaves – eucalyptus leaves) (Jacaranda – a type of tree with blue/purple flowers) (Toowoomba – a city in South East Queensland) (Mount Isa – town in north western Queensland)

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