Steyn the Great….Courtesy J.M.

Request of the Week
Wednesday, 04 June 2008
Dear Mark,
Can you please republish some of the funniest columns from the late 1990s when Clinton sex jokes were all the rage and you once wrote about Monica’s dress in the witness protection program?
Best wishes, Tom Hernandez

Bits:

A IS FOR AFFIDAVIT
This was the first administration in US history to keep a standardised denial-of-sex form on file. When Paula Jones’ lawyers were sniffing round Arkansas for women who’d undergone similar experiences, a nervous Juanita Broaddrick called her attorney, who in turn contacted an old friend, White House counsel Bruce Lindsay. Shortly afterwards the President’s lawyer, Bob Bennett, faxed back the affidavit of another woman who’d denied involvement with Mr Clinton. Mrs Broaddrick’s counsel replaced the original name with that of his client and dropped it in the mail. “I [Your Name Here], being of sound body, did not have sexual relations with William Jefferson Clinton”: with the convenient do-it-yourself Clinton Home Affidavit Kit, you may get groped but there won’t be a lot of paperwork.

B IS FOR BLACK
He was America’s first black president, according to novelist Toni Morrison; and the first gay president, according to himself, suggesting to a gay interviewer that gays supported him over impeachment because they understood what it was like to suffer discrimination. He was also the first Indian president, telling a disgruntled Cherokee that he shared the guy’s reservations (metaphorically) because he, too, was part-Cherokee. Big Chief Talking Bull had hit upon an ingenious strategy: in the crazed politically correct America of the Nineties, he was the only white male to get away with appropriating the victim role for himself.

P IS FOR PUSSY
Some years back, asked what he and the President talked about during their frequent afternoons on the golf course, Clinton confidant Vernon Jordan replied succinctly, “Pussy.” Presumably this is a reference to Kathleen Willey’s late cat, who mysteriously disappeared after she went public with her accusations against the President.

Mark Steyn

Courtesy J.M. Henrichs

Mark Steyn on Hillary AND, his own crucifiction by his own Nation

Need a laugh or two? Well here ya’ go.

There I was on my way to Wal-Mart…getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind …wasn’t even on the horizon …I was in a great mood …and then …I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car …and you know how you just get sooo stressed at life stuff at times and it seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it … he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!” So, I look down at him and said, “Well, which one are you then?” … and that’s when the fight started…

__________________________

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and
was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,  I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

Fat Lady Forced to Finally Sing

Well, Hillary is out… or so they say. I don’t think anyone is safe until after the Denver convention, personally. She still used the word “suspend” to describe how she’s handling her campaign, and not “end” for instance.

What was interesting was how unenthusiastic the crowd was when she said her various riffs about getting Obama elected. The responses ranged from polite golf claps to even some boos. Many of her base will never vote for Obama, evidently.

I’m still wondering what Obama paid to buy her off in their secret meeting t’other night. VP, or a SCOTUS appointment? You know she got something.

An Australian’s View On McCain

John McCain hasn’t received too much media coverage here in Australia at this point, but now that Barack Obama has clinched the Democratic Party nomination, that will probably change.

Australia isn’t likely to hear too much about John McCain’s outstanding military service, or that a number of people in the McCain family have served their country, or that McCain and his wife adopted one orphan who couldn’t get the medical treatment she needed in Bangladesh, so Cindy McCain brought the child home and cared for her, or that McCain and his wife also rescued another child, who was taken in by a McCain aide.